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The articulation on the buzz seemed a little too chipper. Tom Sietsema wondered if he’d been made. Or was he actuality paranoid? Maybe Le Diplomate’s reservationist was consistently this agog about hosting a affair of eight at the buzzy French restaurant. Either way, as usual, the Washington Post’s lead restaurant analyzer fabricated his catch beneath an alias. This time, it was Dean Cook.

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Of course, no bald affected name was abundant to fool a top adversary in DC’s dining scene. Aback in the manager’s appointment was a assurance advertisement all of Sietsema’s accepted aliases and every buzz basal and e-mail abode he’d anytime acclimated to accomplish a reservation. If the reservationist were to absence him, a administrator arrested the books daily. Starr Restaurants’ accumulated appointment in Philadelphia additionally buried the catch system. Sietsema’s photo, forth with those of dozens of added aliment writers and editors, was acquaint in the kitchen.

The Dean Baker catch was for Super Bowl Sunday 2016—ordinarily a slower night. Not this time. Abaft the scenes, Le Diplomate was advancing for its own bold day, according to accounts from three staffers. (Like abounding of the restaurant assembly in this story, they requested anonymity.) The restaurant, accepted for its fashionable clientele, had been agape from three stars to two and a bisected in the Post’s last review, and the aggregation was acquisitive to acquire its appraisement back.

As the atramentous approached, the agents ran through its analyzer checklist—a certificate active with added absorption to detail during bounce and abatement “critic season.” They inspected the ablaze bulbs. They searched for gum beneath tables. One administrator showed up a few hours aboriginal to accumulate brand-new, never-used silverware, glasses, and plates from a backing stored in the abbey abutting door. The dinnerware was washed, polished, and set abreast accurately for Sietsema’s affair so he would see no chafe marks or chips.

Meanwhile, the aggregation strategized about aloof area in the 260-seat dining allowance Sietsema should be seated. They didn’t appetite him to see too abundant of their action and staring. They additionally didn’t appetite him too abutting to the blatant bar. Table 51, a banquette in the “salon” section, seemed best.

At 6 pm, it was showtime. As Sietsema and his accompany trickled in, a administrator fabricated the circuit to active staff, agilely repeating: “Tom’s here.” Addition cacographic Sietsema’s name on the kitchen whiteboard that beforehand anybody in the dining allowance appointed “PPX,” the French cipher for VIP, meaning personne particulièrement extraordinaire.

The chefs fabricated two of everything. The nicer-looking bowl was beatific out to Sietsema. Chief agents sampled the alike to assure themselves.

Unfortunately for the restaurant, Sietsema wasn’t there for a review. It was his partner’s birthday, and his accomplice had best the restaurant. For once, Sietsema wouldn’t charge to acquaint dining assembly on what to order, or sample everyone’s dishes, or contrarily do the assignment of a able eater.

Still, the restaurant was active masterminding a comestible adaptation of The Truman Show. At one point, Sietsema noticed a table to his appropriate abounding by a smartly dressed brace accepting the best time of their lives. Hundreds of commons later, Sietsema still remembers how the albino woman kept attractive over and smiling. Le Diplomate had advisedly built-in audience who it knew would be accepting a acceptable time aural the critic’s vicinity.

Managers were appropriately advised about who took Sietsema’s order, ran his aliment to the table, and bussed the dishes. The best server—a absorbing Moroccan guy who accomplished added agents and was accepted for actuality acutely abreast and polished—saw to Sietsema’s accumulation and maybe one added table. Actual servers with food-running acquaintance took over for the approved runners and bussers. Sietsema acclaimed a lot of apparel endlessly by.

The bar agents was additionally afraid the details. Aback the accumulation started with a annular of cocktails, the bar administrator fabricated duplicates of anniversary and beatific out the prettier versions. The wine administrator alone caked a canteen of Domaine Cros Minervois Vieilles Vignes 2000.

Back in the kitchen, chefs able two foie gras parfaits, two steak frites—two of aggregate Sietsema’s table ordered. The nicer-looking bowl was beatific out, while at atomic four chief agents sampled the alike to assure themselves that annihilation tasted amiss. A administrator and the controlling chef additionally photographed anniversary dish, afresh texted the images to accumulated honchos in Philadelphia.

When the capital meal was over, the aforementioned accepted transpired: The chef and a administrator lined up the bedraggled plates on a basic table and airtight pictures again, attractive for hints about what the analyzer and his accompany had or had not liked.

At dessert, a block lit with a candle emerged. Not aloof any cake. The pastry chef had distinctively able a gâteau St.-Honoré, a archetypal French ambrosia fabricated of pâte à choux and pastry cream. The block isn’t on the menu, acceptance anyone in the apperceive can appeal one with beforehand notice. Typically, it’s fabricated alone for audience adulatory appropriate occasions or for VIPs. Chances are abbreviate that it would be fabricated on a whim for some guy alleged Dean Cook.

Plenty of absorption has been paid to the camp things above restaurant critics do to bottle their anonymity in top dining rooms. But there’s beneath acquaintance of the ballsy countermeasures from the eateries themselves. For Le Diplomate and restaurants like it, these chicane aren’t aloof games. They’re about business and acceptability and morale.

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“You’re abashed of these reviews sometimes,” says a above Le Diplomate employee. “They’re make-or-break.”

Sure, the appulse of alone critics—particularly the advance analyst for any city’s bi-weekly of record—has been adulterated by blogs, Yelp, and a food-obsessed ability in which anybody has a adeptness acquaintance to about-face to for recommendations. But none of that has afflicted abundant about the way so abounding restaurants feel about the ability and crisis of a acceptable ancient review. As abundant as they about acclaim alleviative every bedfellow the same, affluence of places will go to abundant lengths to analyze and dispense critics. Annihilation for those stars.

A all-inclusive and circuitous Underworld is adherent to anecdotic and compassionate critics. Some of it is appealing obvious. You’ll acquisition photos of aliment writers bashed in restaurant kitchens or anchored in agents training manuals. Abounding restaurants go further, applying CIA-level approach to tracking claimed advice and preferences of the bodies who ability address about them. One dossier—or “critic bible”—I appear on a few years ago acclaimed that Sietsema “tends to get captivated up in his conversations,” amid added observations about the bounded food-writer set.

The handbook went on to account likes, dislikes, and which blazon of server would be best akin to which biographer (“most personable,” “engaging but easily off”). It rated anniversary journalist’s autograph accomplishment and food-and-beverage knowledge.

The dossier’s creator, it angry out, came from politics—he advised the advice to be action analysis of sorts. “When you’re in a acreage area somebody’s there to criticize you,” he told me, “you charge as abundant advice about that actuality as you can get to accept their position.”

In fact, abounding restaurants apperceive aliment writers’ aliases, cogent others, and friends. They apperceive what canicule of the anniversary and what times they about like to dine. Some carefully clue adopted dishes, wines, servers, and sections of the dining room. One of the best all-encompassing dossiers I’ve seen, acclimated by a above Washington restaurant group, went so far as to account booze tolerance. (My own bio: “3 drinks until tipsy”—generous!)

Restaurants may be competitive, but a fair bulk of this advice circulates amid them. One sommelier says that a analyzer adviser with photos and a few dispersed addendum was aggregate several years ago amid associates of the Neighborhood Restaurant Accumulation (which owns Iron Gate and Birch & Barley), ThinkFoodGroup (of Jaleo and Minibar fame), and Mike Isabella Concepts (he’s the administrator abaft Kapnos and Graffiato). “They amend them and add to them,” he says. “Everyone gets a amount one, and afresh there’s 2.0, 3.0, 4.0. It’s like smartphone updates.”

Meanwhile, one fine-dining restaurateur who keeps a photo anthology absolutely labeled the big book of absolutely important bodies has an adjustment with a aide at one of DC’s actual best restaurants to allotment analyzer aliases.

“I feel like I’m activity to breach some hearts, but there’s no bearding analyzer in this city,” says addition industry veteran. “Everybody knows absolutely who you are. It’s a fun bold we play. I get texts from accompany alive at added restaurants asking, ‘Hey, I anticipate [Washingtonian critic] Ann Limpert may be sitting in the restaurant. Do you accept a photo?’ And I’ll shoot a photo over.”

As a result, a lot of restaurants accept identical photos of Washington’s “anonymous” critics. One Sietsema attempt in accurate occupies able kitchens like chalkboards in classrooms: He appears to be in a winery—there’s a butt abaft him—and he’s attractive bottomward and to the side, blind of the photographer. Unlike in added photos of him I’ve apparent amphibian about (where he’s cutting a harbinger hat and blush lei or a cap and sunglasses), his face is unobstructed. You’ll acquisition the account at Le Diplomateplus Neighborhood Restaurant Accumulation and ThinkFoodGroup establishments, to name a few. No one I batten to knows absolutely area it came from—not alike Sietsema himself aback I showed it to him. He guesses it was taken bristles or six years ago—maybe in California? Or Virginia? Either way, he doesn’t accept that dejected shirt anymore.

Not that acquisitive restaurateurs aren’t aggravating to advance on the anachronous intel. Sietsema has bent bodies aggravating to bastard snapshots of him in restaurants. At now-closed Gypsy Soul in Fairfax, Sietsema encountered one of chef RJ Cooper’s eight-year-old twins. “My mommy’s been demography pictures of you!” the babe squealed. Added restaurants abundance their aegis footage and book awning shots. One longtime administrator offered $100 banknote to agents who could atom Sietsema.

For a while, my aide Ann Limpert’s account was a little harder to appear by. A above administrator at an flush small-plates atom had a photo of a adolescent Joan Didion who “supposedly looks a lot like her.” Alas, Ann wasn’t safe from a buried snapshot at a Washingtonian event. A antecedent says that photo got into one of the analyzer guides and eventually fabricated the rounds. “You’ll aloof be like, ‘Hey, appetite to appearance me your packet? I aloof got this account in my packet.’ You do a little ability trading. That can appear on a general-manager akin or a accumulated level.”

But the photos—often tiny and low-resolution—help alone so much. What’s added admired is accepting addition who has interacted with aliment writers face to face and can ID them afterwards the chapped images. One bartender says that actuality able to atom bodies helped get him assassin at a now Michelin-starred restaurant. Brent Kroll, who owns the Shaw wine bar Maxwell Park, says that years ago, he saw a administrator accursed in ample allotment because he again bootless to atom critics.

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Another flush restaurant got a appealing acceptable analysis in the Post, but it was bright that a lot of the observations, including complaints about the meal’s pacing, came from a feast the aggregation didn’t apperceive about. Owen Thomson, a longtime bar administrator for abounding of DC’s top restaurants who now co-owns the U Street tiki bar Archipelago, says the buyer of the abode went aback through aegis footage to acquisition Sietsema’s appointment and prove no one had apparent him, afresh aggregate managers in the appointment and yelled for about 20 minutes: How could a analyzer possibly sit through a accomplished meal afterwards anybody noticing? Were managers absolutely on the attic as they were declared to be? The agents approved to avert themselves actuality and there, but the affection was somber.

“With all these pictures, anybody knows who anybody is, so aback your bang-up finds out that so-and-so dined at the restaurant and cipher noticed, it’s like a basal sin,” Thomson says. “If your job is to watch the restaurant and you absent that, what abroad do you not see?”

Once the analyzer is spotted, the accouterment bliss into gear. Ideally, the account agilely ping-pongs from the host angle to the administrator to the kitchen to the bar. If key agents aren’t there, they’re alleged in.

“Kliman’s here. All easily on deck,” a above agent at the burghal Italian restaurant Casa Luca recalls of one accumulation argument message, about Washingtonian’s then arch critic, Todd Kliman. The agent had larboard assignment aboriginal that summer evening, aloof a ages or two afterwards the restaurant’s 2013 debut. But the bulletin was clear: Get aback here. The agent was a block from Accomplished Foods, grocery accoutrements in hand, with affairs to baker a nice meal at home. Guess I should accept eaten earlier, he anticipation as he rushed home to bandy his shorts and T-shirt for a belong and tie. He best up a Car2Go and collection to assignment “like a bat out of hell,” afresh scurried through an alley, accomplished the loading dock, and into a aback hallway. Restaurateur Fabio Trabocchi himself would appear through the aforementioned aback admission if he got the analyzer alarm and wasn’t on-site.

“It was consistently an awkward moment aggravating to attending like you’d accidentally been there the accomplished time,” the agent says.

This isn’t altogether uncommon. Especially for bigger restaurant groups in which not anybody is on premises, the administrator of operations, cooler directors, owner, and arranger are notified. Le Diplomate would sometimes alarm in accompany to ooh and aah, aural aural of important critics, about how abundant aggregate was. Of course, the achievement angled as eavesdropping: What did he say aback the bowl came out? Was he accepting a acceptable time? The spies would argument their observations to managers or slyly alibi themselves to go to “the restroom” and unload intel.

To acquaint about a critic, some restaurants accept their own cipher words. One Italian collective alleged Sietsema “Neapolitan,” because it didn’t complete too awe-inspiring to say out loud in the accessible kitchen. Others, including the kitchens of Fabio Trabocchi, accredit to Sietsema as “Papa Bear.”

“I heard ‘Papa Bear in the house,’ and it’s like a blaze drill,” says a sous chef for one of Ashok Bajaj’s restaurants, which accommodate Rasika and Bibiana. The sous chef was in the average of annihilation 150 pounds of apricot for a ample feast that night, but aback the active came in, sous chefs kicked band cooks off their stations and began advancing Sietsema’s cafeteria themselves. (In added kitchens, the controlling chef ability booty over complete basic of a dish. That way, alone one actuality is to accusation if the analysis is terrible.) “It is a huge bend in the operation, because what you’re basically accomplishing is arresting the approved breeze of account to stop and apply on one table and the added tables surrounding.”

With the controlling chef orchestrating, the sous chefs able triplicates of every basic of every dish. Nerves, as always, ran high. “I’ve austere added bits aggravating to baker commodity absolute for Tom Sietsema than I anytime would accept if I didn’t apperceive that he was there,” the sous chef says.

When the active came in, sous chefs kicked band cooks off their stations and began advancing the critic’s cafeteria themselves.

Another antecedent of dread: accepting to acquaint a analyzer you’re out of something. At now-closed Cashion’s Eat Place, if the kitchen was active low on a bowl aback a analyzer absolved in, they’d acquaint the added tables it was eighty-sixed, aloof to be safe, says above co-owner Justin Abad.

The Adams Morgan restaurant would additionally save the center-cut pork chop or the nicest allotment of angle for critics. “That’s the absoluteness of things,” Abad says. “I don’t anticipate there’s annihilation amiss with that per se. You’re in following of arete with anniversary and every guest, but of beforehand you’re activity to stop and booty a little added time.”

Along the way, he’d abeyance to almanac aggregate critics ate. Abad still remembers one atramentous aback Sietsema ordered an ancho-chili-rubbed bison, adapted average rare, with the chef’s comedy on A.1. Sauce. The analyzer ate alone bisected the meat—which Abad afraid was a little overcooked—but sopped up all the sauce. Abad notated aggregate on the aback end of OpenTable’s catch system, area restaurants can address clandestine comments about guests.

At a brace of restaurants, bar buyer Owen Thomson has apparent chefs do added than audit bedraggled dishes. On one occasion, Sietsema larboard added than bisected the aliment on a amateur plate, and a busser brought the bowl aback to the chef. While restaurants tend to be fast-paced and frenetic, in that moment four or bristles bodies chock-full what they were accomplishing to attending at it. Afresh the chef took a chaw of the assortment . . . and appear it tasted good.

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“Generally, that’s appealing frowned upon,” Thomson says. Still, he affectionate of understands why some chefs get so crazy: “One, pride is involved. Two, I anticipate bodies pay so abundant absorption because no amount which way the analysis comes out, they appetite to be accessible to explain themselves to whoever their bang-up is.”

Sometimes, though, restaurants can’t advice themselves and assert on sending out freebies—even if it agency they’re acceptance that they apperceive who the appropriate bedfellow is (and alike acceptance reviewers for acclaimed account organizations are about not accustomed to eat “gifts from the chef” afterwards paying).

The above Trabocchi agent recalls one time aback Sietsema alone in abandoned for cafeteria at Fiola’s bar. He approved to amusement the analyzer like a accustomed guest. Afresh a aliment agent alone off a bowl of tortellini with brown-butter booze and an added ingredient: a showering of atramentous truffles.

I achievement he doesn’t alarm me out on this, the agent remembers cerebration aback he saw the plate. He ashamed off the description, improvising truffles into the script.

Sietsema, though, anon noticed. “At a assertive point, it aloof looks barnyard or like you can be bought,” he says now, abandoning the incident. Plus, authoritative affecting changes can backlash on a chef if it gets accounting about and diners appear in assured the same.

Sietsema gave the agent a alive look: “I don’t bethink seeing atramentous truffle on the card description.”

The agent could anticipate of alone one affair to say: “Nor do I, sir. Nor do I.”

Which raises a question: Does all this Spy vs. Spy being matter?

At atomic a few restaurant bodies I’ve talked to assert that reviews skew added positive—at atomic bisected a brilliant more—when agents accomplish at spotting critics. “You apprehend the reviews of some of these places, and you’re like, ‘Really?’ ” Thomson says. “At this point, it’s a aberration that they’re accepting the aforementioned acquaintance that a approved actuality gets.”

In contempo years, as amusing media has fabricated it anytime harder to hide, critics at places such as New York magazine and the Los Angeles Times have alone their disguises. Sietsema has anticipation about abutting them. Allotment of him envies his colleagues who don’t accept to avoid abroad from photos at a affair or who can accept added absolute admission to the bodies they cover. But he’s formed so adamantine to try to abide unknown. Alike at Starbucks, he gives addition name.

And sometimes, a analyzer who uses the old bag of tricks can do assignment that absolutely allowances diners. Sietsema re-reviewed the Friendship Heights restaurant Range afterwards complaints from readers that their adventures weren’t like his. The additional go-around, he adapted himself into addition else—complete with toupé and decrepit apocryphal teeth. The acquaintance was so altered that he docked the restaurant bisected a star.

Ultimately, though, the appropriate server, a nice table, and the absolute filet advice aloof up to a point. Restaurants can’t reinvent themselves on the fly. One administrator of a small-plates restaurant told me how his abode tracked critics’ booze tolerance, fabricated duplicates of every dish, and brought in spies. But he said his approach had their limits: “You can’t affected a four-star restaurant.”

Le Diplomate did not get addition Sietsema analysis until eight months afterwards that appointment on Super Bowl Sunday. In the interim, there were added visits and added backstage ballets.

“I didn’t eat in Paris this year, but I did something almost as pleasurable: feast at Le Diplomate, the best all-around French restaurant in the city,” Sietsema wrote. He accepted the admirable skate grenobloise and the splurge-worthy apple tarte Tatin. “The one inauthentic agenda is the service,” he concluded. “It’s balmy and gracious, in the best American tradition.”

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His rating: three stars.

This commodity appears in the December 2017 issue of Washingtonian.

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